Coupled With D&S

Real, nonjudgmental advice about dating, sex, love, and life from a thirty-something couple that has seen it all over thirteen years.

Trust us. We live in Brooklyn. (Joking. Kind of.)

Icy About Vanilla: A Kinky Guy Needs a Girl who Understands

The Question

Plain vanilla

Plain vanilla

A 33 year-old straight man in Brooklyn contacted us with our first kink question. We love hearing from people who aren’t your typical 30-something, straight, married, white couple. “Most of my sexual experiences have been fairly vanilla. Of my two main long-term partners, one would not consider any kink, and the other made me feel strange if I wanted to try anything different and didn’t let me know what she wanted to experience either. Now I kind of have a hang up regarding sex, in that I don’t feel comfortable pushing forward with something non-vanilla, even if it excites me. Also, I am completely uncomfortable if I am not the aggressor. How can I get over both these things?”

Sally Says

When a person’s kinky, they’re kinky, and there’s no getting around it. So, to answer your question, you don’t get over it, you roll with it!

You don’t say where your particular prurient interests lie, but whatever they are, you need to be honest about them. I get the sense from what you say–“I am completely uncomfortable if I am not the aggressor”–that you are perhaps a dom at heart. We live in a time when 50 Shades of Grey is popular, even with housewives and grandmas. Although it can feel embarrassing and scary to bring up any sexual desire that’s out of the extremely ordinary, almost everyone knows what S&M entails, and judging from the popularity of the aforementioned novel, an awful lot of people find it fun to think about.

First, you need to consider what, specifically you would like to be doing with a potential sex partner. If you’re not quite sure yourself (or even if you are) check out Fetlife, a hugely popular website used by thousands of kinky people with lots of resources and message boards to get your imagination rolling. There are also tons of books and other websites devoted to this topic to make you a super expert on your interest. Then, I recommend that you make yourself an OKCupid profile that is straight up about the kind of sex you want to have, and message some of the many ladies on OKC with the same kinds of profiles. That way you don’t have to fear potentially humiliating rejection in the bedroom when you say what you really want.

If you meet a cool girl the old-fashioned way (in person that is), once you’re a few dates in and feeling flirty, ask her about her fantasies and share yours. You don’t have to go crazy, just ask something light, like “Have you ever been blindfolded?” If she seems shocked, this is not the gal for you. If she is curious, she might be someone you can work with. Either way, you shouldn’t climb into bed with a girl until you’re clear about the kind of sex you want to have together. Since it sounds like acting out your fantasies will be new for you, find a more experienced partner if you can, and/or start slow. Start with some fuzzy handcuffs or whatever, and save the ropes and pulleys for when you know yourself and your partner better.

David Says

I don’t have a ton to add to what Sally said, but I will emphasize making the right dating profile. We got to peek at yours on OK Cupid, and we were surprised to discover that it says nothing about you being kinky or looking for a kinky partner or anything of the sort. Well, a) you don’t get what you don’t ask or advertise for, and b) you’re not using OKCupid efficiently, dude!

One of the beautiful things about online dating, is that you have the opportunity to save yourself a lot of trouble. No matter what you’re into, you can preclude a lot of time-consuming, potentially awkward and embarrassing trial-and-error in-person interactions with people who will never be into the same things you are. No more feeling out friends of friends, trolling weddings and bars, or hitting up coworkers on the very off chance that someone likes you, is attracted to you, and likes to have sex just the way you do.

Just like searching on Amazon or Google, with online dating, you only turn up in results if you have the right keywords, and you only find the people you want if you search the right terms. Your kinkiness isn’t even hidden between the lines. Rewrite the thing so that your kink is very obvious, though not the only thing about you. Kinky women who know they’re kinky are only going to respond to obviously kinky guys. Your profile is not going to attract them. Sally’s point about meeting girls the old fashioned way might work sometimes, but why not get around it by marketing yourself better?

The Consensus

You are who you are. Own it in person and online.

You’ve mostly or only had relationships with vanilla women who weren’t sexually compatible with you, and now you’re feeling frustrated and rejected. You need some arms to chain, heinies to spank, or whatever you’re into, or you’re going to go crazy and maybe develop a complex (hopefully not). You’re an aggressive dominant fellow, so start acting like a dom and let it be known who you are and what you’re looking for–at least in the relatively anonymous and risk-free world of online dating. Few people in Brooklyn will be scandalized, anyway.

Make an honest, obvious profile, and explicitly seek women who share your kink. Instead of getting over your sexuality, embrace it; get fully into it. And get offline too, even if you start on discussion boards and mailing lists. Find some kinky friends or message buddies from sites like OKCupid and FetLife who can direct you to kink parties, events, happy hours, munches, etc. If that’s all new to you, start small and ease yourself into it. Don’t show up at a party without ever having been to something like that and volunteer to be the whipping boy. New York is a kinky place, so it shouldn’t be too hard to surround yourself with like-minded people, even for an evening or two.