A 46 year-old male writes about being in a relationship for almost 10 years with a women who is just “not into sex.” He, on the other hand, likes his sex … a lot. He likes it frequent, kinky, varied, and with different partners. For most of the relationship, he has been getting his needs met elsewhere. Meanwhile, his partner has placed lots of restrictions about where, when, and how they have sex together, and she has not been positive about the idea of an open relationship. He says they are deeply in love, and he feels like shit for cheating. What are his options now?
“Maybe you can give me some tips on how to find a girl to join my boyfriend and me.” So says a Brooklyn woman in a three-and-a-half year relationship that she describes as open. Maybe we know voodoo and spells too. That’s not sarcastic; we just might. Regardless, the hunt for the elusive unicorn is on. In case you don’t know, the unicorn is that rare, magical bisexual woman who will jump into bed with with a couple and help them fulfill their fantasies.
Our first message from this fellow was a sarcastic, “What would your advice be for me, being 40, bald, a minority, and despite being ‘a great guy,’ having trouble finding someone I genuinely connect with?” Were we talking to Montel Williams? The angry ghost of Gandhi? He then wrote back a story of a date that led to the dreaded “let’s be friends.” Now he feels a connection and isn’t sure whether he should stick with the great, albeit new, friendship or push for something more.
A 38 year-old male Manhattanite “found out my wife cheated on me with at least two different guys. She didn’t want to talk to me about it, and it drove me nuts. I got angry and for months was verbally angry with her. She had enough and told me she didn’t want me anymore because of my anger. We have two kids, and now I am hanging on to my family with everything I have.”
Most of my sexual experiences have been fairly vanilla. Of my two main long term partners, one would not consider any kink, and the other made me feel strange if I wanted to try anything different and didn’t let me know what she wanted to experience either. Now I kind of have a hang up regarding sex, in that I don’t feel comfortable pushing forward with something non-vanilla, even if it excites me. Also, I am completely uncomfortable if I am not the aggressor. How can I get over both these things?
A 35 year-old straight man in New York City writes, “I am very troubled by a terrible realization: I am sexually attracted to immature, naive women who do not qualify for a real girlfriend.” He left a long-term girlfriend for a hot, younger woman whom he couldn’t respect, and now he’s dating another woman whom he likes but doesn’t find sexually appealing. “Following the old French adage, it seems as if my brain is split between La maman et la putain (the mother and the whore). I want to fall in love with a smart woman who cares for me, but those same qualities seem to be a turn off. I am caught between hot women I want to fuck and the well-rounded and caring women who fail to arouse my desire.”
A 30 year-old man writes that his wife is stealing his Adderall. They have two small children, whom she takes care of during the day while he works. She also runs a freelance business almost full-time, which frequently keeps her up late. The husband has a prescription for the pills, but he only uses them occasionally and then to help him work. He has noticed pills missing from his prescription bottle for three months in a row. Most recently, he had only used 2 out of 30 pills in a month, and there were only 7 left in the bottle. He asked her if she knew about this, and she claimed to have no idea. She suggested that maybe a workman stole some. He feels bad because he advised her to try Adderall in the first place to help with work. “I’m torn between wanting to bust her for her lying and trying to figure out how serious this is. How do I confront her?”
A 47 year-old straight guy in a rural area is new to dating because he’s shy. “The one relationship I had after high school was because she was the aggressor. That was back in ’87, and it lasted about a year and half. I fear putting sexual information in my dating profile. Like, I fear I may be sitting in front of a potential employer or even my current employer or fellow employees and they start laughing and say ‘So, I see you like to have your women’s genitals clean shaven?’ or ‘So, you love to give head to women?'”
A 42 year-old straight male who cross-dresses, is only interested in women, and only wants an LTR writes, “I’m stuck with a paradox: I have discovered that if I am not perceived as forthright from the start (I don’t always dress up, just like women don’t always dress up), the revelation of what makes me different can be off-putting. On the other hand, if I put who I am out there from the start, no one picks me. OKCupid has in the past provided women who pick me and that has been extremely rewarding. How can I increase my ability to find women who would want, not merely accept what makes me different?”